May 17, 2011 Leave a comment

easiest way to put it: i need to move outta this to-small town and get a kitten and… feel free again. start over, for real.

i think it’s doable.

i need some sorta plan and the guts to just do it.

i’ll let you know how it goes…

~ peace ~

Categories: hmmmm....

running away to a new ‘reality’…

May 17, 2011 1 comment

I am in need of a new book – I need to sink my teeth into a great new book and into a new reality.

Since I cannot in any way afford to go off to Italy or France or England I would love to run off to a library and read and read some more.

i thought I could focus and read alone at home but, alas, not the case. I think i want to read some of James Frey’s more recent novels. I just need an escape. I mental change of scenery if i cannot have a physical one.

i was gonna write about this haunting feeling of not having deeeeep love — love for myself, from others too. I won’t deny this sense of emptiness, hollowness, but i think for now i will look for it in books. Books that are far different than Eckhart Tolle, lol. I need an escape from the usual.

i miss my mom, i can’t deny it. Thing is i am deeply hurt from those things i was called and all of the false accusations too. i don’t think things will ever be the same. i hate that part. really crappy but…. it is what it is.

i’ll ttyl? yeah, i will do so…


Categories: hmmmm....

Dr. Phil is kinda the man, a man who can’t totally cure me lol.

May 12, 2011 1 comment

Here I sit procrastinating (not going to the doctor) and watching one of the most painful episodes I have seen in ages.

It is about 2 daughters and their mother who allowed them to be molested and then some by their step father. The mother is behaving in an all too familiar way for me to keep watching but…I still cannot stop doing this to myself. It actually reminds me of why I did the right thing by leaving and coming to be with my guy. She is not a bad person — she is one of the very, very best people I know, but mistakes happen is all. Bad People inflict pain upon the lives of really amazing people like myself and especially my mother, changing her and our relationship forever.

Why this post matters

At my mother’s, regardless if no one in my family understands, I am surrounded by reminders of my past as though they are all happening right now. I still get visceral nightmares even though I am far away and with the man I want to marry. My mom and aunt tell me to forgive but I know in my core that being in that environment and loving someone I still have resentments towards did not help anyone.

Now, here’s all you need to know – I have diagnosed PTSD and being in that environment day after day for 12 years…it just eroded my heart, my ability to trust, and my ability to forgive. From my teens till 20 I had to sick up a but of shit and drink my way through life.

The stress of those daily events damaged my immune system and brought on my MS at a young age. I have had symptoms from 17 till now, and he began his terror when I was 14/15. i am nearly 27 at this point.

One of my doctor’s, the best man i ever met, my MS neuro-psychiatrist, understood and suggested I seek counseling but I could not do such things while still being there. My dear boyfriend is in for a year of me healing if and when i am ready to tackle the past.

So, here I am typing about really private things that I might not publish.

That’s it for now. i have to get ready to go to the doctor about my knee.I sure hope i get better on all fronts.

Take care,


Categories: hmmmm....

all I want is…

May 10, 2011 1 comment

…my amazing boyfriend to listen and not cut me off, haahaa!

Now, I 100% LOVE that he told me that all he truly wants is for me to stop crying (I have not cried in many days) but his kind words backfire on him; I now feel even more pressured to put a lid on how I am feeling deep down.

I told him ages ago that I sometimes NEEEEED  to just bawl or feel down or blue, and that it goes away, but I think he just wants me to be cookie-cutter perfect and HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!

Completely understandable but 150% unrealistic given my MS. It DOES control my emotions and without his personal research on the ‘ins + outs’ of this disease, I am at a loss of how to express to him what I need. He is truly my ONE (:D) but…

I am thinking…perhaps a book about this stuff? A detailed website? Medical journal?? *sigh*

Couple’s counseling? hahaha…

If you have suggestions beyond what I mentioned I am all ears (eyes, really…).

Holla at your girl,


Categories: hmmmm....

Living in both denial and a state of sadness…

May 9, 2011 2 comments

I have made a fantastic new friend who challenges me as well as inspires me.

Her name is Nicole and she is amazingly open and honest. She has a website that is choc full of heart, honesty and commitment. She is wonderfully strong.

She LIVES with MS and admits her struggles + her joys.

I would love it if everyone would read her posts in depth and take them to heart because, like me, she has gone through every hardship and then some……

I never used to take this illness as seriously as I should have but more and more I am living through losing almost everything I love, need, and cherish.

I filed for ODSP and read all of the medical documents regarding my ‘medical situation’. One said that I ought not to go back to UofT, but if I decided to then i would not be permitted to take more than 1 course at a time. “One course! How insulting!! I am way too smart for that!!” In reality, I nap 2 to 3 times per day, get down and depressed more often than I’d care to admit, and have major trouble walking about and standing up to cook. I order out on a consistent basis and/or buy loads of veggies and fruits so I have a plethora at my disposal.

I am going to take a break from writing for now because i am EXHAUSTED and need another nap.

be back later…


Categories: hmmmm....

posting briefly while I dye my hair…

i am getting rid of the horrid old orange-y, faded out, dead ends of colour and going back to original: the brown the last dye job was meant to be. Last time i went to the salon and came out orange — this time i am doing it myself in my own bathroom while the cat is staring at me wondering what that smell is!

“No, baby, it definitely isn’t YOU. Not this time…”

Be back to let you know if all my hair fell out….

Categories: hmmmm....

The day Osama died.

May 2, 2011 3 comments

Today I woke up to find out that Osama bin Laden had been captured and killed yesterday, Sunday April 1st, 2011. Pczech and I were debating on dinner locations, and then went forth ion our journey. In Pakistan, US military were putting bullets in a man’s head leaving him dead.

I wish I had any celebratory instincts or gusto in me but alas i do not. How can I celebrate a man’s execution regardless of who they are and regardless of their evil deeds.

One of my aunts (Sita, with whom I was closest to) unwillingly left her 5 year old beautiful daughter and died in Tower 2 of the World Trade Center in New York on September 11th, 2001. I woke up to see that event take place then, and I woke up to hear the news of another death today.

I will NEVER get the live images of the planes crashing into the Trade Center out of my mind, not would I want to. They are a part of me too just as she is.

I desperately wish to erase Osama’s bloody death from it.

Today, the world knows Obama’s victory in the ‘war on terror’; they also know that his victory came by means of an act of violence no matter how rational/justified it was.

In suppose ‘an eye for an eye’ has blinded our world entirely.

R.I.P Auntie Sita Sewnarine

I know you are looking down on us all with your angelic spirit.

p.s. I attend church now lol. You win haahaa! miss you.

❤ Sar

Categories: hmmmm....