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Archive for the ‘hmmmm….’ Category

day ?? of Copaxone…

July 4, 2011 Leave a comment

= D
YAAAAY FOR ME!!!
I am thrilled b/c of my amazingly patient boyfriend who waits for me ALWAYS till I’m ready…. I’m braver when i have a drink, lol. OR first thing in the A.M. when he is leaving for work and I don’t have a ton of time to change my mind… I think i am braver when I have a partner. : D

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been gone too long…

June 11, 2011 2 comments

Sorry all. I have been doing a lot of something, keeping busy. I do have great news tho!!

I HAVE BEEN WALKING!!

Not too far, just around my place but its better than before. Stretching in bed has allowed me to get us ton use the bathroom at least…

Not only that but I am writing again, which is better than walking. Sure walking =  weight loss but WRITING = regaining my inner voice, spirit, and sanity.

I 100% believe I was getting into a depressive funk and its possible that I still am in that state. Thing is, I’m not drinking AT ALL and am filled with knowing that I am loved soooo much. Why, I still don’t understand but I believe it for the first time EVER as an adult I truly FEEL IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE It’s truly surreal and wonderful.

I was called his ‘One’ and it felt gooood…. SO good. Amazing really.

I could run off and get married to him right now (not truly run off anywhere today, i mean, but you know what I mean…). I want to, i feel married, and unlike all of those who say otherwise, I like it.

I enjoy arguing with him, having disagreements and the tears. tears of love from both of us. We just plain ol’ LOVE each other andconvey it with every ounce of ourselves. I said tears because we cry together over my illness, over the uncertainty of it all, and then over the sheer joy of remembering that at least we have each other right now and we are reborn again.

BRILLIANT, THIS LOVE THING IS BRILLIANT.

Writing is fucking good too. ; )

Categories: hmmmm....

why am i sad?

June 6, 2011 Leave a comment

ok, so i feel shit and i can’t figure out why. Is it cuz I’m immobile for the time being with my knocked up knee? Is it because I have to get poked and injected with garbage just for my MS  over and over and over again? Is it possible that my low iron and low Vitamin D levels? Is it cuz this apt. had little oxygen and i can’t get any light??

I am thinking about this all the time and I just need to sleep forever..

Takes up too much time and I am failing more than I ever have.

 

I am gonna end this now cuz i promised Patrick I’ll begin to cook…

ttyl.

Categories: hmmmm....

Welcome to sadness…

May 26, 2011 Leave a comment

I am here in bed, AGAIN, and wishing my mother missed me at all. I love my boyfriend to death but there really is nothing like a mother’s love, MY mother’s love.

Where are you, Mom? Don’t you love and miss me? I am so lost without you, despite my happy home…

All of my intellectualizing doesn’t make any of it feel better… not one damn second of it.

Categories: hmmmm....

hmmm…

May 18, 2011 Leave a comment

…and so I think I am not picking myself up and getting on with things because I have lost my very best friend over a miscommunication. People tell me that it will all get sorted out but I know better than to believe that. All i wanted was for my mother to love me and support me and my amazing, brilliant boyfriend and for us all to be happy and healthy. I guess that is a long lost dream.

I write here with hopes that family will read it and advocate for me and my side of things, but my mother is shunning REALITY completely, like 100% entirely in her own imaginative world. And, here I am losing her and myself in the process.

Unsure of what to do except RUN away…

…no where to go to, tho.

Categories: hmmmm....

Soul food

May 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Patrick,

You, my love, are my ‘Soul Food’. When I was asked what my definition of love was I wanted to say “Patrick”.  Realizing that this person didn’t know you or what we have, I described ‘that thing’ we share. ‘That thing’ is just… a desire to improve each other and the other’s lives.

When I’m down you pick me up.

Yep, that’s what you do.

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.

THANK YOU FOR SEEING THE REAL ME.

JUST……THANK YOU.

*HEART*

Sarah, your girl Friday *wink*

Categories: hmmmm....

… all of these days…

May 18, 2011 1 comment

All of these days

slowly meld into one.

they mesh and melt,

swirl around,

leaving me in the dust.

You throw your heart on the line,

and no one dares to pick it up…

no one believes you,

and the loneliness sweeps you up.

How can this be?

when all i wanted was you.

how can we sleep?

when our hearts n spirits are broken.

how dare you?

because a simple call could have been enough…

the past is over and done

now that love has taken me in.

I wish to tell you right now

that

you were the best I could ever have.

Forgiveness is just waiting

for you.

Categories: hmmmm....