Home > hmmmm.... > Dr. Phil is kinda the man, a man who can’t totally cure me lol.

Dr. Phil is kinda the man, a man who can’t totally cure me lol.


Here I sit procrastinating (not going to the doctor) and watching one of the most painful episodes I have seen in ages.

It is about 2 daughters and their mother who allowed them to be molested and then some by their step father. The mother is behaving in an all too familiar way for me to keep watching but…I still cannot stop doing this to myself. It actually reminds me of why I did the right thing by leaving and coming to be with my guy. She is not a bad person — she is one of the very, very best people I know, but mistakes happen is all. Bad People inflict pain upon the lives of really amazing people like myself and especially my mother, changing her and our relationship forever.

Why this post matters

At my mother’s, regardless if no one in my family understands, I am surrounded by reminders of my past as though they are all happening right now. I still get visceral nightmares even though I am far away and with the man I want to marry. My mom and aunt tell me to forgive but I know in my core that being in that environment and loving someone I still have resentments towards did not help anyone.

Now, here’s all you need to know – I have diagnosed PTSD and being in that environment day after day for 12 years…it just eroded my heart, my ability to trust, and my ability to forgive. From my teens till 20 I had to sick up a but of shit and drink my way through life.

The stress of those daily events damaged my immune system and brought on my MS at a young age. I have had symptoms from 17 till now, and he began his terror when I was 14/15. i am nearly 27 at this point.

One of my doctor’s, the best man i ever met, my MS neuro-psychiatrist, understood and suggested I seek counseling but I could not do such things while still being there. My dear boyfriend is in for a year of me healing if and when i am ready to tackle the past.

So, here I am typing about really private things that I might not publish.

That’s it for now. i have to get ready to go to the doctor about my knee.I sure hope i get better on all fronts.

Take care,

Sarah

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Categories: hmmmm....
  1. Dianne
    July 4, 2011 at 12:29 am

    I’m always here if you need to talk…really! Everybody needs somebody…I’m your “somebody”. You can trust me! ~ Dianne

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