Archive

Archive for May, 2011

Welcome to sadness…

May 26, 2011 Leave a comment

I am here in bed, AGAIN, and wishing my mother missed me at all. I love my boyfriend to death but there really is nothing like a mother’s love, MY mother’s love.

Where are you, Mom? Don’t you love and miss me? I am so lost without you, despite my happy home…

All of my intellectualizing doesn’t make any of it feel better… not one damn second of it.

Categories: hmmmm....

hmmm…

May 18, 2011 Leave a comment

…and so I think I am not picking myself up and getting on with things because I have lost my very best friend over a miscommunication. People tell me that it will all get sorted out but I know better than to believe that. All i wanted was for my mother to love me and support me and my amazing, brilliant boyfriend and for us all to be happy and healthy. I guess that is a long lost dream.

I write here with hopes that family will read it and advocate for me and my side of things, but my mother is shunning REALITY completely, like 100% entirely in her own imaginative world. And, here I am losing her and myself in the process.

Unsure of what to do except RUN away…

…no where to go to, tho.

Categories: hmmmm....

Soul food

May 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Patrick,

You, my love, are my ‘Soul Food’. When I was asked what my definition of love was I wanted to say “Patrick”.  Realizing that this person didn’t know you or what we have, I described ‘that thing’ we share. ‘That thing’ is just… a desire to improve each other and the other’s lives.

When I’m down you pick me up.

Yep, that’s what you do.

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.

THANK YOU FOR SEEING THE REAL ME.

JUST……THANK YOU.

*HEART*

Sarah, your girl Friday *wink*

Categories: hmmmm....

… all of these days…

May 18, 2011 1 comment

All of these days

slowly meld into one.

they mesh and melt,

swirl around,

leaving me in the dust.

You throw your heart on the line,

and no one dares to pick it up…

no one believes you,

and the loneliness sweeps you up.

How can this be?

when all i wanted was you.

how can we sleep?

when our hearts n spirits are broken.

how dare you?

because a simple call could have been enough…

the past is over and done

now that love has taken me in.

I wish to tell you right now

that

you were the best I could ever have.

Forgiveness is just waiting

for you.

Categories: hmmmm....

con’t…

May 17, 2011 Leave a comment

easiest way to put it: i need to move outta this to-small town and get a kitten and… feel free again. start over, for real.

i think it’s doable.

i need some sorta plan and the guts to just do it.

i’ll let you know how it goes…

~ peace ~

Categories: hmmmm....

running away to a new ‘reality’…

May 17, 2011 1 comment

I am in need of a new book – I need to sink my teeth into a great new book and into a new reality.

Since I cannot in any way afford to go off to Italy or France or England I would love to run off to a library and read and read some more.

i thought I could focus and read alone at home but, alas, not the case. I think i want to read some of James Frey’s more recent novels. I just need an escape. I mental change of scenery if i cannot have a physical one.

i was gonna write about this haunting feeling of not having deeeeep love — love for myself, from others too. I won’t deny this sense of emptiness, hollowness, but i think for now i will look for it in books. Books that are far different than Eckhart Tolle, lol. I need an escape from the usual.

i miss my mom, i can’t deny it. Thing is i am deeply hurt from those things i was called and all of the false accusations too. i don’t think things will ever be the same. i hate that part. really crappy but…. it is what it is.

i’ll ttyl? yeah, i will do so…

sar

Categories: hmmmm....

Dr. Phil is kinda the man, a man who can’t totally cure me lol.

May 12, 2011 1 comment

Here I sit procrastinating (not going to the doctor) and watching one of the most painful episodes I have seen in ages.

It is about 2 daughters and their mother who allowed them to be molested and then some by their step father. The mother is behaving in an all too familiar way for me to keep watching but…I still cannot stop doing this to myself. It actually reminds me of why I did the right thing by leaving and coming to be with my guy. She is not a bad person — she is one of the very, very best people I know, but mistakes happen is all. Bad People inflict pain upon the lives of really amazing people like myself and especially my mother, changing her and our relationship forever.

Why this post matters

At my mother’s, regardless if no one in my family understands, I am surrounded by reminders of my past as though they are all happening right now. I still get visceral nightmares even though I am far away and with the man I want to marry. My mom and aunt tell me to forgive but I know in my core that being in that environment and loving someone I still have resentments towards did not help anyone.

Now, here’s all you need to know – I have diagnosed PTSD and being in that environment day after day for 12 years…it just eroded my heart, my ability to trust, and my ability to forgive. From my teens till 20 I had to sick up a but of shit and drink my way through life.

The stress of those daily events damaged my immune system and brought on my MS at a young age. I have had symptoms from 17 till now, and he began his terror when I was 14/15. i am nearly 27 at this point.

One of my doctor’s, the best man i ever met, my MS neuro-psychiatrist, understood and suggested I seek counseling but I could not do such things while still being there. My dear boyfriend is in for a year of me healing if and when i am ready to tackle the past.

So, here I am typing about really private things that I might not publish.

That’s it for now. i have to get ready to go to the doctor about my knee.I sure hope i get better on all fronts.

Take care,

Sarah

Categories: hmmmm....